If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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