is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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