You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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