I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
