I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
