How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize