I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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