I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize