My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
