Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
