it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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