My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
