Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
