Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
