Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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