proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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