I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
