Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
