here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
