I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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