Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
