my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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