When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You made out with two different species that night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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