when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Houston, we have a squirter
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
