My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
