just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
