I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You were trust falling into bushes
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
