I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
