He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
