just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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