They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
