I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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