Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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