went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
