I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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