i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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