I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
