there's paper in my vomit.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
