Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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