I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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