I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
