I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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