Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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