I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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