When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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