I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
