This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
