hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
