I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
