I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
