I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
