im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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