im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
