I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
