Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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