I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize