he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
