Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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