Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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