Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
