he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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