woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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