well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
