This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
