I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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